A Happy Mother's Day

I had a mother's day once that sucked and has plagued me for years. Gannon was calling me incessantly from detox. He was drugged, as they do that to them there, while they bring them down. He was a mess crying out for me all slushy and frightened. By late afternoon I was so destroyed, I finally had to turn off my phone, which was like stabbing him. What the fuck kinda Mother's day was that? I have never been good at tough love when it comes to my kids, though he told me later, that when I did tough love him, it was a good thing. There is a time for tough love to end, and that time did come. I brought him home here to live, and although it was very rough going there were so many good times to cherish when he was doing well, and I am thankful for them, so very thankful. I know I have said lots of this before...you get it raw as it comes to mind, so please forgive the repetition. Now, today, six years after that Mother's Day and four and a half years after his passing I am bound and determined to have a happy Mother's Day, for I have healed enough. One of the cards sent to me when he passed, said, I hope you find the strength to be brave and continue on without him. It is okay now, I feel so good knowing he is finally safe in the arms of the kind, all pervading love of the Universe, that thing we all call God, that which is all of us together, embodied and not. I feel Gannon around me sometimes, though I know he is busy. I feel connected to him and know that though presently we are in different dimensions, we are not far from each other, and will be in each other's close presence soon enough, so I am brave and going on. I know he would want that, as my children with me still, want also. I can look at his picture now and feel no pain, just sweet missing and lots of love. That is a good thing, don't you think?

My daughter wrote in an email to me a couple of days ago,"i was talking about you the other day to some friends and said i thought you were having the opposite of a mid-life crisis - you're having like a midlife catharsis!" And I thought, Yes! We did it all backwards, but we did it! I wrote her back saying,"I think that is why I am feeling so spatial and being me...we’ve never all been okay before. That’s pretty weird...most families start out okay then go through shit. We did it the other way round. We did the shit first, then are growing to be okay". Then she wrote, "exactly! that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. i think we're very strong. That's why i always say i have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing. i am who i am because of my experience. i know way more about a lot of heavy shit than a lot of more sheltered people i know - and that's not bad, it's a good thing, having that knowledge and strength.
i love you!!ari :) ."

Life goes on. Sounds trite, but it is true. A new Mother's Day, a fun Mother's Day, full of warmth and thankfulness for such a rich, exquisitely bumpy life, never boring always amazing. I now feel the wonder of it as I never have before. Ant and I are watching "Walk The Line", Johnny Cash's victory over Heroin and addiction, a happy story in the end. It is good to know some do make it through, even though far too few.

Okay, I'm outa here for now...off to make Mother's Day berry muffins and prepare strawberries for shortcake, all fat free and so yummy you wouldn't believe it! Keep on truckin' you Mom's out there!

next day: It was a wonderful day! I made the muffins and the short cake, a big salad, baked potato pieces glossed with olive oil. Ant and I watched movies together and I didn't work on vintage at all, or even think about it...no work some days can be revitalizing. Bravo! I did it! A Good Mother's Day!