Fear of Frenzied Blooming

Much added here since first posting.

I don't know what to do with myself..was too heavy for so long. My son said last spring, about a year ago, "Mom, you've been fat for twenty years". He wasn't being cruel, as we were laughing and joking with each other, so in that context, it was really funny! I always felt that my weighty condition was a sort of new phase and it was on it's way out the door always. I had never really looked at it's longevity. Hmmmm. So I started saying that, " I've been fat for twenty years" and it sank in...wasn't depressed about it..just amazed. The rest of the story I have already blogged about so I won't go there again, but now I am a small size 12 and I don't know what to do with myself.

I always thought on some inner level that the weight was a cushion between me and the world, afraid of my own power when I had been skinny and all the trouble it helped to get me into. Life's bumps had made me fearful and so I drew back into myself. Now, I feel more vulnerable and thin skinned, like I am almost too flimsy and crushable, the world too close in around me. No wonder I put on that safe coat of fat. Grrrr. Now, I am reconstructing a life trying to bring into sync my crazy fun inner self with my outer world. I have a smallish outer world...not really so small now that I think on it. First, communicating with my daughter, daughter-in-law and son surely brings so much richness. My vintage treasure hunt is a daily obsession where I run into like-minded acquaintances, then creative photo shoots, refining photos in Photoshop and listing on line. I am working on my new Vintage Lucy site with my daughter, getting it ready to launch soon....There is the packing and shipping, which I take great care with, then the post office where all the clerks know me and we chat about our daily lives. The book store is a favorite, another endless treasure hunt there, books, movies and music are three of my passions...and the grocery, forever finding new sumptuous no-fat delicacies. I take walks every morning, and feed squirrels and birds. The critters see me and they run towards me. The neighbors get a kick out of that! I have friends I have met over the net through my business..Chris in Australia...we have been writing back and forth for years now, sharing family joys and sorrows. New family members and old friends found through Facebook are emailing...taking a break from Facebook right now. I needed a break. There are a couple of old friends I talk with and see occasionally. I have started painting again. That's a biggy! And...there is this intimate little blog, where I am attempting to share my life's journey! Just last week I started networking with local meet-up groups, and if I am not too shy I will follow through and maybe meet some new friends.

Now that my kids are grown and off doing their thing, one still at home but gone most of the time, I am alone with myself, and that is fun and I do enjoy it...I have my birds to talk to. I have had groups of friends before, some that stopped by often, just walking in the door and hung out doing their thing while I worked in the studio creating my jewelry...sometimes they sat with me and we jabbered. I do miss that and I guess that is what I am looking for. That would bring things into sync! I don't miss the arguing with spouses that felt me too happy and accused me of not fulfilling their needs, as they weren't happy. I don't miss that at all, and will certainly never go their again. I love being able to come and go to and from a happy home, to decide what I will do at any given time, make muffins, work, watch a movie, and when my son is home I must consider what he is doing. But...he is my darling son and I will do that for him. He makes no demands on me and never accuses me of not taking him into consideration, and he is considerate of me as well. It is symbiotic and quite enjoyable as we banter back and forth with each other, saying I love you, have a good day, be careful and things like that. making fun of each other and laughing about our inconsistencies, quirks and seeming inabilities to bring about the changes we so desire in our lives. Our final parting comment is usually, "you can't help stupid"...and we do see the stupidity in ourselves. Ha! What's a human to do, but continue on and be forgiving of one's self, every day all day long, and hold your head up high and try to move forward.

So, I don't know just yet what to do with myself, but I am meet for the task and sure I will find my way, if I can just calm down enough to apply me to it all. Complimenting the rich life I have with new characters, creating the spirit/physical balance I am so on fire to find. Funny how writing enlightens the self (Ari says blogging makes inner thoughts, so easily lost in our minds, more real...creating through publishing an urgency of action)...now I can see more clearly just how very full and rich my life is. The only thing I am lacking is close physical friendship. Friends like Chris, only near by...not tucked away down-under in far off Australia where I can't spend precious moments in her actual presence. I love emailing with her back and forth...but how special would it be if she were close by? My son is skeptical, as he says I am too unique, but Chris says she doesn't see it that way. She says the best of friends can be quite different from each other, so I am hopeful. Now I just have to get out the door! I am bursting like a flower in bloom in a very fast time lapse movie, and feel like if I am not careful all of my petals with just fly off into a crazy outward frenzy and I'll be a shattered stem bedraggled and wilted wondering what the hell happened!