Faith not Fear

It has come to my attention that I should not be watching the daily news, which I have been totally obsessed with. I had a taste of life without it when I visited my daughter last year. They have no cable and only watch movies. TV shows they like, they rent or buy. It was serene and I knew that I should stop with the news then, but it has taken until now to really hit home in my head. I do remember when I was a young hippie mother with my second husband we killed our TV and it did have an amazing positive result. If I am saying the mantra daily "I will not dwell on the unpleasant things in life" then why watch such crap, especially when it is continually seasoned with mind altering commercials from the drug companies with no other intention than to make us feel paranoid about our health, so we will run out and buy drugs we don't need for maladies we don't really have, and would be so much better off realizing the physical difficulties we feel throughout each day would have a liberating purpose if we followed them through to their ultimate conclusion, personal growth. Instead we lose that growth by paying into a system that does nothing other than demoralize us. Then we get more physical difficulties and need more drugs, or so we think. I've blogged my last here about Palestine...I've had enough. I do believe there is a greater plan working through it all, and I need not dwell on it so. The Palestinians will have justice.

I have been called a changeling, an old soul, a seeker, a seer, an emasculator, a feminist. I have been called worse as well, a drunk, a nut and the like. I have been told I am from another planet (by a Buddhist monk, as a compliment, so that wasn't so bad) that I unintentionally intimidate others, that I am selfish, impossible, intense, difficult and aloof. Some have been in awe, that I throw myself into the fires of life so easily...well, it hasn't been so easy. When people get to know me they most often like me even if my type of energy bothers them. I don't know what I am. I live a relatively private life, have not traveled outside the US, have not worked for any great causes, so I am no big deal. I never really wanted to be a big deal. (I should take that back..I did have dreams of making it big in NYC as an artist, but stopped on my way there to have two children in Massachusetts....two of my children completed that journey making it there. Ha!) I have raised, in a very bumpy fashion, three beautiful talented children, created a lot of quality art, and my vintage touches some souls, and that will be my legacy. What is a person but a stream of consciousness belonging to us all, just one picture of the myriad possibilities, no more or less important than any other. My daughter says I should blog because we Humans learn from each other, and so I do write. It also seems to be a release. I wish I had more responses, negative or positive, as it would be nice to know others are reading some of this, and maybe being affected by it.

I have watched myself over the last two years, come out into something new, so I am a changeling once again. I wonder at all that I have been through, put myself through, and how very heart-breaking and difficult some of it has been, all so that I could learn and be a better person. Now that I am 60 (I wish it hadn't all taken so long and that I was younger still) and finally able to look at myself in a mirror again and actually see someone I know, that I can again hear the birds singing and wonder at the world without feeling impending doom at every turn. How amazingly fucked up I have been through so much of it and how it has affected my personal image presented to the world. Change is a big thing, though it shouldn't be. It should be so natural, so fluid, but we bind ourselves up against it, fearing it. Anyway, I know I have had that tendency and still do, because you see, I am a slow learner. No matter that I hit myself continually up against that wall of fear I never seem to get over it. We must have faith that all will turn out well...faith, not fear.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.